Child Abduction Is Not Funny - Full Episode - Season 0. Ep 1. 1[screams]- RELAX, TWEEK. I AM NOT HERETO HURT YOU. I AM THE GHOSTOF HUMAN KINDNESS.- THE GHOSTOF HUMAN KINDNESS?- YOU HAVE NEVER SEENTHE LIKES OF ME BEFORE.- WHAT DO YOU WANT?- YOU HAVE LOST FAITHIN HUMANITY, LAD,SOMETHING I CANNOT BEARTO SEE HAPPEN.- HOW CAN I HELP IT? IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYWHERE I TURN,SOMEBODY IS OUT TO GET ME!- THAT IS THE WORLDTHAT THE NEWS REPORTS. IT IS THE WORLD THAT ADULTSPREOCCUPY THEMSELVES WITH.
BUT IT IS NOT THE WORLDAS IT IS.- IT ISN'T?- LOOK HERE, TWEEK. THIS WOMAN IS ON HER WAYTO THE RETIREMENT HOME. SHE DOESN'T GET PAID. SHE VOLUNTEERS HER TIME TO TALKWITH LONELY, ELDERLY PEOPLEWHO WANT NOTHING MORETHAN A FRIEND.
BUT DO YOU HEARABOUT HER ON THE NEWS? NO. NOW GAZE UPONTHIS HUMBLE HOUSE, TWEEK. INSIDE, THERE ARE TWO PEOPLEWHO HAVE ADOPTED NEEDY CHILDREN. THEY WERE STRANGERSTO THOSE KIDS ONCE. NOW THEY ARE LOVING PARENTS.
NOW LOOK HERE, BOY. A CAR HAS BROKEN DOWNWITH A FLAT TIRE,AND TWO COMPLETE STRANGERSHAVE STOPPED TO HELP. WILL THEIR KINDNESS BE REPORTEDON THE NEWS TOMORROW? I THINK NOT. ARE YOU STARTINGTO UNDERSTAND, BOY?- I THINK SO. YOU MEAN THATEVEN THOUGH ALL THE NEWSIS ABOUT MURDERERSAND ABDUCTORS,THOSE KIND OF PEOPLEONLY MAKE UPA VERY SMALL PARTOF THE WORLD.- THAT'S RIGHT, LAD. SO DO YOU THINK YOU CAN LEARNTO TRUST PEOPLE NOW?- I'LL TRY.- GOOD. THEN WHY DON'T YOU GETINTO THE BACK OF MY VAN,AND I'LL DRIVE YOU HOME.- YOUR VAN?[sirens blaring]- ALL RIGHT, JOHNSON,GIVE IT UP!- DAMN!
DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! OH, I WAS SO CLOSE.- WHAT THE HELLIS GOING ON?- TWEEK, TWEEK,ARE YOU OKAY?- DID HE HURT YOU, SON?- NO!- THEN WE AREN'TTOO LATE. HIS NAME ISFREDERICK JOHNSON.
HE'S BEEN ABDUCTING CHILDRENBY DRESSING UPLIKE THE GHOST OF HUMAN KINDNESSFOR OVER A YEAR NOW.- AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTENAWAY WITH IT AGAINIF IT WEREN'T FOR YOUMEDDLING POLICEMEN!- WHAT'S GOING ON?- A STRANGER WAS CAUGHTTRYING TO ABDUCT THE TWEEK BOY.- AN ABDUCTOR,IN OUR TOWN?- OH, MY GOD,WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? Ms. Clinton's assgets any bigger.
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And in other news,new findings on the increasein child abductions. OH JESUS,TURN IT UP, HONEY. The study shows that the mostlikely abductors of childrenare the parents themselves !
The study reveals that nine outof every ten abduction casesare committed bythe mother or father. The bottom line beingthat your children aren't safe,even from you ! WHERE ARE YOU GOING ? I'M JUST GOINGTO GO UPSTAIRSAND SEE IF TWEEKIS STILL IN HIS BED. OH ? I THINKI'LL GO WITH YOU. IT'S OKAY, I CAN DO IT.
I JUST WANTTO MAKE SURE THAT- -THAT I DON'T ABDUCT HIM ? HOW DO I KNOW YOU HAVEN'TDONE IT ALREADY ? ME ? I WOULD NEVERABDUCT OUR SON ! THAT'S NOT WHATTHE NEW STUDY SAYS ! BUT WHAT AREWE SUPPOSED TO DO ? HOW CAN WE PROTECTTWEEK FROM OURSELVES ? HERE YOU GO, STANLY.
THIS SHOULD HOLD YOU OVERFOR THREE YEARS. BUT WHY DOI HAVE TO LEAVE ?
THE NEWS SAYS THAT AT YOUR AGEYOU AREN'T SAFE WITH US, SON. Watch Scar City Download Full there. YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF HEREBEFORE WE ABDUCT YOU. GOODBYE, SON,REMEMBER TO EAT RIGHT.
LOOK OUT FORYOUR BROTHER, KYLE. YOU'RE THE MAN, NOW. OH BOYS, DON'T EVER FORGETTHAT WE LOVE YOU !( all crying )BE CAREFUL OUT THERE ! WHERE AREWE SUPPOSED TO GO ? WE CAN'T TELL YOU BECAUSEWE CAN'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ! OH THIS ISTERRIBLE !
GO ON, KIDS ! GO ! GO ANDDON'T LOOK BACK !( crying )GOOD- BYE, KIDS,WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.( sobbing )( horn howling )DUDE, SOMETIMES I THINKOUR PARENTS ARE REALLY STUPID.
ALL RIGHT, MONGOLIANS ! YOUR ONLY WAY THROUGHTHIS WALL IS THROUGH ME. THIS IS MY LAST STAND ! I'M GONNA DOMY WAR DANCE NOW !( chanting )DOES MY DANCE SCARE YOU,MONGOLIANS ? YEAH, YOU THINK YOUWANNA PIECE OF THIS ?( chanting & clanking )THIS IS THE ANCIENT CHINESEDANCE OF- - OH, HERRO, KIDS. BE CAREFUL, THERE'SMONGOLIANS UP THERE.( continues with "war dance" )OH CWAP.( laughing )WHAT'S GOING ON ? I HEARD AN EXPLOSION !
GOD DAMN MONGOLIANSATTACK CITY WALL AGAIN !( laughing )MONGOLIANS ? WHAT THE HELLARE THEY DOING HERE ? RABBLE ! RABBLE, RABBLE !( all join in )WAIT A MINUTE. THOSE MONGOLIANS AREOUR CHILDREN. IKE ? KYLE ? MY SON HASBECOME A MONGOLIAN !? NO ! NOOOOO ! OH GOD,WHAT HAVE WE DONE ? WE SENT OUR CHILDREN AWAYAND NOW THEY DON'TEVEN REMEMBERWHO THEY ARE.
KIDS, DON'T YOUREMEMBER US ? WAIT.. I LEARNED SOMEMONGOLIAN IN COLLEGE. UH, LET'S SEE. KIDS ! UHH, BI KHUUTEI. BI SANAKH KHUUTEI. TA TASALBARAA UZUULENUU.
OH MY GOD, OUR PARENTSARE SO STUPID, DUDE. BIII KHUUTEI. WE ARE YOUR PARENTS,YOU USE TO LIVE HEREWITH US. YEAH, IT WAS LIKEFOUR DAYS AGO ! THEY'RE STARTINGTO REMEMBER ! STAAAAAN. YOUR NAME IS STAAAN.
UH- HUH, STAN MARSH. THAT'S IT ! REMEMBER, SON,REMEEEEEMBER !! WE'RE SORRY, TWEEK ! ARE YOU OKAY, CLYDE ? OH SON, CAN YOUEVER FORGIVE US ! I'M OVER HERE, DAD. OH. WE'RE SORRY KIDS,WE JUST LET ALL THOSESENSATIONALIST NEWS REPORTSGO TO OUR HEADS !
OH MY GOD, DO YOU SEEWHAT THIS MEANS ? THE GHOST OF HUMAN KINDNESSWAS RIGHT ALL ALONG ! YOU MEAN HOW HE SAIDWE SHOULD TRUST EACH OTHEROR HOW HE ABDUCTEDCHILDREN ? THE.. UH, NO, THE PART ABOUTBEING MORE TRUSTING. WE SHOULD FOLLOW WHATHE SAID, NOT WHAT HE DID.( all )YEAH ! NO, NO, YOU KNOWWHO WAS RIGHT ALONG ? THE MONGOLIANS. THEY KNEW THAT YOU CAN'TJUST WALL YOURSELF OFFFROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD.
PUTTING WALLS UPNEVER HELPS ANYTHINGTEARING THEM DOWNBRINGS US TOGETHER.( all murmur in agreement )OH, YOU BETTER BE NOT SAYWHAT I THINK YOU GONNA SAY. MR. LU KIM,TEAR DOWN THIS WALL ! OH GOD, I HATETHIS WHOLE CITY ! RANDY, CAN WE JUSTTAKE OUR SON HOME NOW ? YES, KIDS. WITH US, NOW COME. HOME. HOOOMMEEE. JESUS CHRIST, DUDE,THEY'VE DONE SOME STUPID CRAPBUT JESUS CHRIST !
ANOTHER SCHOOL SHOOTINGHAS TAKEN PLACE,THIS TIME IN IDAHO. AS THESE KINDSOF SHOOTINGS INCREASE,ONE THING BECOMES CLEAR: YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOTSAFE AT SCHOOL. OH, GOD! CHANGE IT! CHANGE IT!- THIS WAS THE SECOND TIMEA TERRORIST THREATHAS BEEN MADE ON A THEME PARKLEAVING EVERYONE TO REALIZETHAT CHILDRENARE NOT SAFE OUTSIDE.- OH, GOD, CHANGE IT!- AND IT SEEMS THERE ISA NEW DANGER TO LOOK OUT FOR: CHILDREN WHO ARETAKEN BY STRANGERS.
THE BOTTOM LINE: CHILDREN ARENOT SAFE IN THEIR OWN HOMES.- [screams]- TWEEK! COME TO THE KITCHEN, SWEETIE. WE NEED TO SEE YOU REAL QUICK.- OH, GOD,THEY'RE GONNA GET ME.- SIT DOWNAND HAVE SOME COFFEE, SON. TWEEK, THERE ARE STARTING TO BEA LOT OF REPORTS ON THE NEWSABOUT CHILDREN BEING ABDUCTED,AND WE THOUGHT WE SHOULD TALK.- I SAW!- YOU KNOW NEVER TO TALKTO STRANGERS, RIGHT, TWEEK? YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY.- OH, GOD!- NOW, WE DON'T WANTTO ALARM YOU, SON,BUT WE'VE INSTALLED NEW LOCKS ONYOUR BEDROOM WINDOWS AND DOOR. IT'S IMPORTANTFOR YOU TO KNOWNEVER TO UNLOCK THEMAT NIGHT FOR ANYONEEXCEPT YOUR MOTHER AND I.- OH, JESUS!- IT'S JUSTA PRECAUTION, SWEETIE.
PROBABLY NOTHINGWILL EVER HAPPEN.- NO! NO! THEY'RE GONNA GET ME. AGH, OH, GOD.. JUST A DREAM.[gasps][wind whistling]OH, MY GOD![knock on door][screams]- TWEEK, THIS ISOFFICER DANIELS!
NOW, TRY AND STAY CALM,BUT WE BELIEVEAN ABDUCTOR IS IN YOUR ROOM!- INSIDE MY ROOM? OH, GOD!- GIVE IT UP, BUDDY! WE'VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED! OKAY, TWEEK, I WANT YOUTO VERY CALMLY BUT QUICKLYWALK TO THE DOORAND COME OUT TO US.- OH, MY GOD! OH, OH, JESUS,SEE ME THROUGH THIS.
AH![screams]- BANG, YOU'RE DEAD, TWEEK.- WHAT?- YOU FAILEDTHE TEST, SON. DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO OPENTHE DOOR FOR ANYBODYEXCEPT YOUR MOTHER AND I?- OH, GOD! OH, JESUS!- WHAT IF THAT HAD BEENA CHILD ABDUCTORPRETENDING TO BEA POLICE OFFICER, TWEEK?- HE WOULD HAVE SPRAYEDYOUR BRAINS ALL OVER THE FLOORAND THEN TAKEN YOUR BODYOFF TO THE WOODS.- [screaming]- YOU'VE GOT TO BEON YOUR TOES, TWEEK.
ALL RIGHT, NOW GO TO BEDAND GET SOME REST.- NIGHT, PUMPKIN.- [whimpering]- IT WILL.- ONE, PLEASE.- WAIT, THAT'S NOT THE USUALTICKET- TAKER GUY!- SO?- SO I DON'T KNOW HIM!- DUDE, RELAX.- YOU RELAX! WHAT IF HE WANTSTO KILL ME?- GOD, WHAT THE HELLDID HIS PARENTS DO TO HIM?- EXCUSE ME, IS THISTHE RIGHT ROAD TO BRECKENRIDGE?- [screams]- UH, PLEASE, I JUST NEEDTO KNOW IF THIS IS SOUTH PARK?- GET AWAY FROM ME![panting]- COULD YOU HELP MEACROSS THE STREET?- I DON'T KNOW YOU!- OH, HEY, KID!
OH, THANK GODYOU HAPPENED BY. MY CHAIR RAN OUT OF JUICERIGHT ON THESE TRAIN TRACKS.
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